Kiwi Tales

ByeBye Cabbage

It is Midnight and I'm DONE. I didn't stay up purposely to write this after midnight it is just how the cookie crumbled. We are packing to leave for 6 days in Yosemite. I believe there is a teddy bears picnic to attend. Wooohoooooo. Once on the road it will feel like the real Mc Coy. Right now I just feel weary and malnourished. Funny, I know and I certainly don't look that way but it is a true feeling that lingers on the surface next to my hunger pangs. Out of all the days Day 7 aka THE LAST DAY was the only one that left me hungry. A couple of bowls of soup. A couple of cups of brown rice and about 4 glasses of OJ. I am sure there is a method to the madness and at the very least I want to continue on the downsizing. This was indeed a good start. I think I lost about 5 or 7 pounds but of course I wanted 10 and 20 would have been brill. Alas...I may be in California but it ain't no fantasy-land.

Carnivore Heaven

Ok...I must admit I have been looking forward to this day since day one. I am not a newbie at this so I did know what was ahead in the long days till Day 5. It is not merely that I have a fondness for eating my farm friends. It really, primarily boils down to TEXTURE. Slime be gone. I want something to chew and taste, savour and comfort me. OK... that last one was reaching for it because no animal should die just to comfort ME. The point is I am not evolved enough to get all my needs met by Cabbage-head and his friends...put me on a desert island or send me back to the bush and I could do it, I would have to. For now I am enjoying some chicken, cow and probably fish over the next two days. I will also be dining on tomatoes freshly picked out of the garden...handfuls of them and lets not forget the star of the show CABBAGE duh SOUP. OK...short post this time, gotta go find the cats. I have a plan, a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it!

Wheres a monkey when you need one?

Day 4 bestowed on me bananas to go with my cabbage soup. Who make up this #$&*? Oh..and skim milk. Being a fully fledged Kiwi, SKIM is NOT part of my vocabulary. 2% I do do- weasel piss I can't and won't. So THAT in itself could be called cheating. So sue me! I cannot drink milk by itself and never have since the age of  7. I got some sort of over reaction to it so can now only seem to consume it in coffee, ice cream or blizzard form lol. Maybe that's my problem! Maybe I ought adopt this SKIM thing and I'll never crave the wicked stuff again..hmmmmmm. That has to be a mere thought for now cause I am sooooooooo far away from turning into a leaf eater come soy nutter. But I digress. My Mothers words are constantly filling my ears right now. "Eat your veges first or you won't get desert." So I guzzle my soup, plunging it down my throat when the going gets tough, then reward myself with a frozen banana milkshake. Not 1/2 bad except I am so damn stuffed with cabbage that my tummy starts to protest and it is not as appealing as it ought be. Ce la vie- I am more than 1/2 way through. I feel like a wiener.

Day # 3

Can anyone tell me why Day 3 is all about cabbage soup and vegetables? The soup is choca with veges so what the hell? Why not cabbage soup and pavlova or cabbage soup and bacon and egg pies?  I just feel a little cheated, like the cabbage soup inventor is sitting back laughing. This feeling of mine could be due to the fact I am deprived of protein. Not one cow, chicken or rabbit has passed my lips in 3 days. I feel almost heavenly. Like an animal saviour. Rupert the ginger tiger ran away from me today.  I think he thought I was eyeing him up as a soup additive, but  wasn't.  True! Tomorrow is another day, a banana day in fact. I really am looking forward to bananas and cabbage soup. I am sure the  culinary maestros at Food Network could turn it all into a tantalizing 5 course spread...alas, butter, sugar  eggs and all the yummy stuff is currently unavailable and since drooling is not a good look, I think I will stop here. Did I mention I hadn't cheated yet? I shouldn't really, because I wanted to.  I'm sure that is a sin in someones book. Still, I am determined to see the 7 days out, its all good- RIGHT!

Day 2 uggggggggggggg

Vegetables and Cabbage soup and no little lambs for Suzie and you thought water boarding was torture. Wellllll...let me tell you what cabbage soup for breakfast feels like.! Actually...before you tell me about all the poor starving children in Africa I have to share a wee trick . For those of you who may want to attempt this at home. Consider eating the soup COLD. I doubled the recipe right from the start..I was NOT born yesterday. This is my third tour after all. I thought it most unfair to do the big boil up and permeate the house more than I needed to, so 7 days/nights worth were done in one foul swoop. Packaged up in big covered containers and then delegated positions in either fridge or freezer. When one needs the soup you can have hot/warm is ok and cold is just as palatable minus the smell. Welllll...smell is not quite as obvious. I started out by using bowls each time and now I just go to the fridge, pull out a container, sit at the table and ladle it down my throat. its all a matter of getting the job done now as opposed to enjoying fine cuisine. So...hope this tip makes it all a little more palatable for those about to start the cabbage marathon. I tell you what... its amazing how tantalizing and delicious a baked potato sounds on Day 2. Fancy looking forward to a frign potato. I am grateful. I AM grateful. I AM FRIGN GRATEFUL ,OK!

Day One

Its all coming back to me now as I raise the spoon to my lips. The memory is more than vivid, all senses are on alert. The taste-buds scream Noooooooooo... to deaf ears. The nostrils flare as if they had caught a whiff of something particularly putrid. Like a mad woman I search for the bottom of the bowl. Desperate to see the more slender me looking back up. Neither is there a fairy Godmother with a magic wand.  What I do see is my new friend.  Meet Cabbage. Cabbage is duh bomb, in more ways than you'll ever know! Ahhhhhh...when will a gal learn eh?

"And so it begins" [Pilot]

There is a memory there, I know there is. The hard parts have been blocked to shield me from reality. My job is to unblock the hidden and work through the flow. This day is about arming myself with the tools needed to get through the next seven days. I go about this task with visual flashes and physical distress at the thought of the task in front of me. Nevertheless I head to Maxi Foods, list tattooed in my memory. Cabbage, onions and celery. Cabbage, carrots and tomatoes. CABBAGE, mushrooms and peppers. Yes...Cabbage soup. My penance for the next 7 days. This concoction is what will feed and nourish me for the next 10,080 minutes. I shall emerge from this self inflicted oral flagellation a new svelte being. Ready to stand tall once again and continue the journey without my new cellmate CABBAGE.