One year ago today I lost my job. Well, I didn't loose my job, it was taken from me. I didn't leave my job, i didn't leave my career, I didn't want to stop being a journalist, I was told that I was no longer needed - that my position was eliminated. I am happy with the way I comported myself that day, I was lucky to have Sue with me to help me put into the jeep 10 years of boxes from being a photojournalist pack rat. The day before I was laid off, my colleague Annette Haddad, who was dying of cancer, held a celebration of her life (she passed away a month later). So with this event fresh in my mind, I was able to get through the goodbyes and put it in perspective, my life would go on. What I didn't anticipate was the anxiety and depression that would follow. The first few weeks I was in a fog, I have heard this from other friends who were also laid off. I couldn't sleep, I laid awake rethinking everything. I was re-living being called into my boss' office, what I said, what I should have said, what I would have loved to have said. I was looping.
Just when I was getting a handle on my emotions, I lost my lil gal, Luba. Along with her sister, Artemis, for 18 years these two Siamese had been my constant companions. Her death spun me back into a deep hole. I would just wander around the house and cry.
I think until you experience these type of traumatic events, you can't make a judgment on how you would be/feel/act. I focused on my studies, and spent a lot of time with Arty. She became my lil code checker - wanting to sit on my lap looking over my class work. She died the Tuesday before Christmas. My heart was broken again and I struggled not to spiral back to those horrible feelings of inadequacies and sorrow. That in itself is hard work. In my mind, I thot - well if I ever get laid off I'm going to: finish all those house projects I have been putting off, take a vacation, loose weight, work out more, take naps, do more crafting, learn software programs, sort my grandparent's photos, read all those books on my nightstand and the list goes on. What I never anticipated is having to fight these internal voices and feelings.
What is that old adage something like having plenty of time but no money, having plenty of money but no time, never having them at the same time?! When I reflect back on this whole year, I choose to focus on my victories... I did a few jobbies around the house, still more to do, I have not lost weight, but we are working on it, didn't take any vacations, but had some fun time playing croquet in the backyard, had a lovely Laguna Beach 'day and a couple of day trips made special by Sue, including one to Joshua Tree today, took some classes to work on updating my skills to make me more employable. On that point, I am in waiting mode, I hate it. But that is how the game is. If news reports are correct, 1 in 6 are qualified for the same job I am. This is an unprecedented time in our country, but it is personal. It is my life, my family, that is affected. I am not a statistic but our situation is not that unique for millions of Americans. I'm not sure if I will still be a journalist in my next job. I loved my career. I loved being a photojournalist. For most of us in the profession it is who we are. My challenge has been to not equate my job with myself, to not think I have failed as a person because I was "tapped on the shoulder" a year ago, to not let those demons in my head lie to me about my potential, about my worth.
These days I still have moments of despair. Sometimes it is sadness about loosing the girls, sometimes it is anxiety over our dwindling savings and an uncertain future, about making the right choice on a future job, of waiting to hear back on job applications, but for the most part, I hold fast to the love of my partner, my good friends and my family. The anxiety won't go until a clear path is before me, but I told Annette last year when she gave me the gift of a journal at her life celebration party, that I would use it as a gratitude journal.
Starting today I'm going to start to fill it up.
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